As a CWM or just any Mom we often don’t hear thank you very
often. So, can I just take this time to thank you for being a part
of the CWM community. Also, thank you for all you do for your family,
church, and work place. You may feel that no one notices, but God
sees all you do for His glory.
Welcome to all the new CWM sisters in Christ who have joined us.
Check out www.christianworkingmom.com
for previous articles, information on coaching, and the book I have
written, The Voices of Christian Working Moms.
I still need more CWMs to be interviewed. If you are interested,
please send an email to Kimberly@kimberlychastain.com
and I will send you an email with the questions. Thanks in advance
for your help.
Article – Marriage Myths
I have been a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years now
(I started when I was 5, otherwise that sounds really old!!) and
there are some common things I hear in my office day in and day
out. So, I want to share some myths with you about the perfect marriage.
My hope is that you will realize some of the problems in your marriage
are fairly common. Let me give you one word of warning. What I’m
sharing are tendencies I see in marriage counseling. There are always
going to be exceptions to the things I list. Please don’t
see this as absolutes.
So, here we go:
- My husband is supposed to be my best friend. Your husband is
not going to be like your best girlfriend. Your girlfriend can
talk with you hours about details. Husbands do not tend to have
long in-depth conversations. Your husband cannot meet all your
- An affair in a marriage is automatic grounds for divorce. Marriages
can survive affairs. I have seen many marriages improve tremendously
after an affair. That does not mean I recommend an affair to spice
up a marriage. What I mean is affairs are incredibly painful and
difficult, but if both spouses are willing to work on the marriage
then the marriage can continue. God is in the business of repairing
- If we both work we should share the chores 50/50. Yes, that
is an ideal situation and sounds fair. To be honest though in
most marriages women do more than 50% of the chores. Women often
see things that need to be done around the house that men do not
see. I have found in years of counseling instead of nagging about
the chores or wishing your husband would see the mess ask him
to do a specific task. The most often response I hear from women
is that means I’m treating him like one of the kids why
should I have to tell him? The goal is getting the chores done
not the process of who said what when.
- I’m not happy in my marriage or the romance is gone. Another
myth, closely related is God would not want me to be miserable
so I’m getting a divorce. First of all the fireworks romance
you had when you were first married cannot continue for 20 years.
The passion becomes different; you feel more comfortable with
one another. You feel known. Being happy is not a realistic goal,
because being happy is so difficult to define. Happy is a momentary
emotion. It is impossible to be happy all the time. There is nothing
in the Bible that God says we are “owed” being happy
in marriage. Read 1 Corinthians 13 – the love chapter. Most
of chapter talks about dying to self. Dying to self can only be
done in the power of the Holy Spirit. There is an excellent book
called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas that explores this topic
- We will have more time for our marriage once the children leave
home (if you have a marriage left)! I know it is hard to believe
that at some point your home will be empty. Research shows us
we are married longer without children than we are with children.
Once children come it is easy to put your marriage on the back
burner, but you have to fight that urge with all you have. Children
need to learn early on that their Mommy and Daddy are also wife
and husband. They need to see Mom and Dad talking without children
being involved. Parents need to have dates. Your marriage needs
nurturing just as much as your children.
We all go into marriage with certain spoken and unspoken expectations.
Most of those expectations are based on unrealistic movies we have
seen or stories we have been told. Sometimes our expectations are
unrealistic. Ask God to show you how to love your husband more and
to have His expectations for your marriage. Gary Thomas said in
his book Sacred Marriage, “What if God designed marriage to
make you holy instead of happy?” A very interesting question
Now, a strong disclaimer with this article; if you are in a physically
abusive marriage you must seek help. I would encourage you to seek
counseling and shelter if needed. God does not approve of His daughters
being abused. Also, if you read this article and feel your marriage
needs a tune-up then seek out a solid Christian marriage counselor.
You can often get names from your pastor or you can check out www.aacc.net
(a listing of Christian Counselors).
One of the joys of being a therapist for so many years is seeing
how God can change hopeless, impossible marriages to thriving, fulfilling
marriages. God is in the miracle business.
In my experience, personally and professionally, it is not if your
marriage will ever have rocky times, but when. In marriage you have
two sinners trying to make things work and that is not always easy.
Seek guidance from wise couples around you and seek counseling if
Till next time,
Kimberly M. Chastain
Kimberly M. Chastain, MS, LMFT is the Christian Working
Mom Coach and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is the
author of The Voices of Christian Working Moms, 2 ebooks and an
online Bible study. To find out how to receive coaching tips by
email daily, go to http://www.kimberlychastain.com/cwmtips.htm.
To find out more about her books go to www.christianworkingmom.com.
For a free, initial coaching session send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.